Bar Jokes: Funny Bar Jokes

George Bush and Colin Powell were sitting together at a bar. The bartender was surprised to see them and walked over to them. "What are you guys talking about?" he says to them. "Well," Bush respones "We were just talking about WW3. We are gonna kill 40 million Iraquies and one blonde with big tits. "Why would you kill a blonde with big tits?" The bartender asks puzzled. Bush then turns to Powell and says "See I told you no one would care about 40 million Iraquies!"

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Guy walks into a bar and this man is playing the most wonderful piano he had ever heard. The place was packed no seat in the place. Guy asks the manager if he could talk to him. He replies go ahead he never stops playing. So he goes up and tells him he wants to manage him take him to broadway and all over New York. The man says he has already been there and they threw him out. How is that possible? They dont like my titles. He asks what do you call this little piece of heaven? This one I call "I love you so f--kin much I could sh-t.

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A drunken old man walked into a bar. He yells at the bartender, "Bartender get me a tequila!" The bartender gets him a tequila. The old man drinks it as fast as he can. Then he looks around the bar and sees three large men at a table having some beers. He points at one of them and says, "You! I have slept with your mother!" The man looks at the old man then goes about drinking his beer. Then the old man yells, "Bartender! Get me another tequila!" The bartender gets him another tequila. The old man drinks it as fast as he can. Then he looks over at the three men. He points at another man and shouts, "You! Your mother gives me a blow job!" The second man looks at the old man, then goes about drinking his beer. Then the old man yells, "Bartender! Get me another tequila!" This time the bartender says, "No, old man, you have had enough." "Just one more!" yells the old man. So the bartender gets him one more tequila. The old man drinks it as fast as he can. Then looks at the three men. He points at the third man and shouts, "You! I eat out your mother!" The third man looks at the old man then looks at the other two men. All three of them get up and start walking over to the old man. Then they say, "Come on dad, you have had too much to drink."

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There were three men in a bar. All three were sitting at the bar and one got up to use the bathroom. The other two men started talking. One man said, "So what's new in your life?" The other responded, "Well I just found out my son got a promotion. He used to be a janitor at the bank and now he is an executive. On top of that there's someone special in his life. He just bought his new love a brand new Lexus." The other man says, "My son also got a promotion and he has decided to settle down. He bought his new love a new house on the beach." The third man comes back from the bathroom. He looked kind of upset so the other two men asked what's eating him. He responded, "I just found out that my son is gay. The good part is his lover bought him a brand new Lexus and a new house on the beach."

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Forgetful fellow A man walks into a bar with his wife. His wife sits down while he orders a drink and a friend of his asks him where he's been. "on holiday." he replies. "whereabouts on holiday?" his friend asks. "some little village on the coast." "whats it called?" "I forget. Whats the name of that plant that grows up the side of houses?" "ivy." "Thats it," he says, "Ivy, whats the name of that village we stayed in in Spain?"

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A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

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Bob and dave are sat down at a bar,when bob downs a pint then he stands up pulls his pants down and farts and he shouts"goal".he says to dave if you can do this then it will be 1-1 so dave downs the pint stands up pull his pants down and bob puts his penis in dave bum and shouts"SAVE".

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SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself latched to bar. SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above. SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to rest room, practice in front of mirror. SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about his house training. SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through the bottom of an empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender before departure. SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth with bag. SYMPTOM: Consciousness regained without recollection of how you got there. FAULT: Probable time and/or space warp. ACTION: Ask bartender for another Beer.

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This woman goes into a bar and bets 100 dollars that no man can make her feel like a woman. Three different guys try but they couldnt. This great big hillbilly steps up and takes his shirt off and picks up the 100 dollars and throws the shirt at her and says here iron this.

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A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon. All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink. The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on the butt?" The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips." The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?" Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them."

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Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

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I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double. The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like me!

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A man comes home late one night, drunk. "Where have you been?" asks his wife. Man: "In the Golden Bar! They have golden chairs, golden glasses, golden beer, and a golden urinal!" This sounds awfully suspicious to the wife, who calls the Golden Bar. "Do you have golden chairs?" "Yes." "Do you have golden glasses?" "Yes." "Do you have golden beer?" "Yes." "Do you have a golden urinal?" "Hold on." On the other end, she hears, "I think we have a line on the guy who pissed in your saxophone!"

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Secretaries Powell and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isnít that Powell and Rumsfeld?" The barkeep says, "Yep, thatís them." So, the guy walks over to the two and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?" Rumsfeld says, "Weíre planning World War III." To which the guy replies, "Really? Whatís going to happen?" Rumsfeld says, "Well, weíre going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman." And the guy exclaims, "Why are you going to kill a bicycle repairman!?!" With that, Rumsfeld turns to Powell and says, "See, I told you no one would care about the 10 million Afghans!"

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One day a Pirate and a bartender were talking to each other in a bar. The Bartender asked the pirate "Where did ya get that peg leg from?" The Pirate responded "We were sailing the seas when a big ol shark came up to me while I was swimmin and bit off me leg." Later the Bartender asked "Where did you get that hook then?" The pirate responded "Well, me crew and I were in a battle and it got cut through the bone." The bartender then asked "Then where did ya get the eye patch from?" The pirate said "In a harbor I looked at a gull flying over head and it took a dump right in me eye." The bartender was puzzled and asked the pirate, "How would that make you get an eye patch?" The pirate responded, "First day with the hook."

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A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed. His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole. I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too. As soon as I finished milkin" him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt. As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!

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One day a man walks into a bar and to his amazement, he finds a tiny person playing a tiny piano. Stunned the man asked the bartender where he got the person. The bartender replied that if you go into the closet there is a genie that will grant one wish. The man dashed into the the closet and as the bartender said their was a genie. The man wished for 1,000,000 million bucks, but instead, got 1,000,000 ducks. Infuriated the man stormed to the bartender and screamed, "I asked your fucking genie for 1,000,000 bucks but I got 1,000,000 ducks. "No duh", replied the bartender, "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch PIANIST!"

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One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under-the- influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."

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Buy me a beer if you want the story told. Of why I moved down South from the frost and cold. Why Iím knee deep in therapy, liquor, and pills. Why Iíve given up charity in lieu of cheap thrills. Why I loathe mistletoe, fruitcake and bells. And why Iíll celebrate Xmas when it freezes in hell. Youíll never see this elf make angels in snow. Hey thanks for the booze Ė so I guess here it goes: "Twas the night after Christmas in the North Pole. No creatures were stirring, not one lousy soul. Santaís house appeared eerily silent. But inside the fat man was hungry, was violent. This workshop of toys for kids of all ages. Was filled with elves quaking in cages. Who woke up from their long winterís naps. To find themselves snared in a devious trap. Hours before I had been bingeing on nog. Passed out under the bed, I spied the whole saga. I saw all my brothers rounded up in cages. Sleepy victims of wicked midnight rampages. Then what to my horrified eyes should appear. But a wild-eyed Santa pinching an elf by the ear. Each little sprite shook in their tights and boots. That this monster was Santa, no one could refute. His size and his beard gave him away as St. Nick. His fangs and his scales made me quite sick. Blood seemed to stain his white fluffy trim. He was hunched, drooling, and disgustingly slim. "Come little helper! Climb into my maw!" He laughed, then casually ate the elf raw. He greedily sucked the impís hide off the bone. I was awed! I was scared! I was truly alone! Dainty elf paws clutched bars and cried. Drunk on denial; confounded by why. (He lost his count during his murderous spree Thought heíd rounded up most, but forgot about me!) His hunger was wracking his hunched-over frame. With a crippling appetite that didnít know shame. "Donít eat us! We love you! Look at our faces!" The doomed little elves made their sad cases. But Santa ignored them with a swipe of his fist. Pulled out some parchment and started a list: "Silence, you nuggets Ė Iím trying to think. Who to char-broil, who to blend into drink. Who to dice, fillet, bake or panfry. Who to boil in soup, who to stuff in a pie" These taunts seemed so strange to come from a man. Who held the dreams of children in his hands. Teeth full of gristle, he then sadly revealed. To his captive chorus of angel-faced veal, That humans are greedy, petty, drunk on their vices. And each Yuletide revel exacts gruesome prices. These prices are paid by the magical gnomes. Who hammer the toys that clutter up homes. The paymentís a life Ė one for each holiday sin. Delivered by Santa, after his joyful break-ins. Perhaps he was cursed by the Easter Bunny. Or an April Foolís jester who thought itíd be funny. The Great Pumpkin, Jack Frost or just maybe Ė That jealous and bratty New Years Eve baby. Maybe it was a clue, how well we were fed. On cookies, cakes, lard balls and bread. But our natureís to love, not to distrust. So we hugged the fat Clausís and finished each crust. Ignorant to what would soon transpire Weíd collapse in heaps by the crackling fire. Expecting the old man to come flying back And start making next years toys for his sack. But how does he have enough sprites for his belly? The final act of sorrow starts as fetal elf jelly. That ferments inside his wife until itís a broth Filled with thimble-sized elves that surge forth like froth. And these newborn elves, spawned pure from her womb. Donít understand: their workshop is really a tomb Their dimples are gumdrops, they sneeze pixie dust. Santa doesnít hate them Ė heís cursed with a lust. Elves are packed with vitamins A, C, and E Weíre awfully juicy, tart yet also fruity, We go well with gravy and mayonnaise and toast But casserole is how Santa likes us the most. Barbecued, fricasseed, or flambeed Sunny-side up, shish-ka-bobbed or flayed. Prepared anyway, our flesh is quite delicious And itís not like toy-happy children will miss us. Goodbye Carl, Zud, Sprinkles and Jan! Blossom, Hortense, Cobweb, and Stan! Julie, Miss Knickers, Fidget, and Ralph. Iím sorry youíre dead, you wonderful elf. A mouthed greased with fat, Santa then hibernated. As Mrs. Claus squatted and grossly gestated And all that is left of my cherubic siblings. Was a pile of bells, curly-toed boots Ė mostly elf things So much for good cheer! But donít shed a tear: This gruesome cycle has happened for hundreds of years. And as the fist to survive Fatherís murderous rout In a month I stopped hiding and got the hell out." Now I spend my days soaking under a sun like a yolk (Yeah, I wish Iíd have saved all or some of my folk) I now have a tan where the rumís in supply. Sewing up flags for Captain Fourth of July.

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Q: What did the bartender say when a priest, a boyscout, and a blonde walked in? A: Is this a joke?

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A guy with a very small head was sitting at a bar, drinking, when the bartender asked him why his head was so small. The man, "I was walking along the beach one day and happened upon a lamp. A beautiful genie came out of the lamp and said that she would grant me 3 wishes. First, I wished for all the money in the world. Then I wished for the biggest mansion in all the world." "Yeah?" "And then I wished for a little head."

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More Funny Bar Jokes:

Guy Walks Into A Bar And This Man Is Playing The Most Wonderful Piano He Had Ever Heard
A Man Walks Into A Bar With His Wife
Two Men Walked Into A Bar
These Three English Guys Are Out Drinking One Night And Decide That They Want To Have A Fight
A Guy Runs Into His Ex-girlfriend At A Bar
Theres A Guy Hes Just Drinking And Getting Drunk
There Was This Guy At A Bar Just Looking At His Drink
A Guy Walks Into A Bar And Sees A Sign That Reads
A Biker Walks Into A Yuppie Bar
What Did The Bartender Say When A Priest A Boyscout And A Blonde Walked In
Beer Troubleshooting
A Man Walks Into A Bar And Orders A Beer
Roy Walks Into The Front Door Of A Bar
A Horse Walks Into A Bar And The Bartender
An Irish Man Is Sitting In A Pub One Night When 3 Englishmen Walked In
George Bush And Colin Powell Were Sitting Together At A Bar
Secretaries Powell And Rumsfeld Are Sitting In A Bar
3 Bums Were Outside A Bar
What Did The Bartender Say To His Customers
Bob Goes Into A Cafe And Takes A Seat Near The Window
A Guy Goes Into A Bar Orders Twelve Shots And Starts Drinking
There Were Three Men At A Bar
3 Guys Were In A Bar And Flies Flew Into Their Drinks
Two Pretzels Walk Into A Bar
A Hunter Was Relating His Adventures To A Stranger In A Bar
If You Can Make That Horse Over There Laugh You Can Have Free Drinks
A Seaman Meets A Pirate In A Bar And Talk Turns To Their Adventures On The Sea
One Day A Pirate And A Bartender Were Talking To Each Other In A Bar
A Guy Walks In And Sits Down At A Bar
There Are These 3 Vampires
A Man Walked Into A Cowboy Bar And Ordered A Beer Just As President Bush Appeared On The Television
One Day A Pirate And A Bartender Were Talking To Each Other In A Bar
Bob And Dave Are Sat Down At A Bar When Bob Downs A Pint Then He Stands Up Pulls His Pants Down
One Day An Englishman A Scotsman And An Irishman Walked Into A Pub Together
Why Were Guys Put On This Earth?
A Farmer Was In A Bar Drinking And Looking All Depressed
A Bear Walks Into A Bar And Says I Want A Bourbon And A Coke
Three Vampires Walk Into A Bar And Sit Down At A Table
A Cowboy Rides His Horse Up To A Saloon
One Night A Police Officer Was Stalking Out A Particularly Rowdy Bar For Possible Violations Of The Driving-under-the-influence Laws
A Man Walks Into The Front Door Of A Bar
A Man Walks Into A Bar With A Brown Paper Bag
One Night A Drunk Comes Stumbling Into A Bar And Says To The Bartender Drinks For All On Me
A Man Walks Into A Bar And Asks The Bartender For A Crown And Coke
Two Cowboys Were Sitting In A Bar When One Asked His Friend If He Had Heard Of The New Sex Position Called Rodeo
Charles Dickens Walks Into A Bar And Orders A Martini
A Slightly Drunk Man Walks Up To The Bartender And Says Hey Thats A Funny Looking Bird
A Guy With A Very Small Head Was Sitting At A Bar Drinking When The Bartender Asked Him Why His Head Was So Small
3 Vampires Walk Into A Bar
A Panda Bear Walks Into A Bar And Orders Something To Eat