Bar Jokes: Funny Bar Jokes
A drunken old man walked into a bar. He yells at the bartender, "Bartender get me a tequila!" The bartender gets him a tequila. The old man drinks it as fast as he can. Then he looks around the bar and sees three large men at a table having some beers. He points at one of them and says, "You! I have slept with your mother!" The man looks at the old man then goes about drinking his beer. Then the old man yells, "Bartender! Get me another tequila!" The bartender gets him another tequila. The old man drinks it as fast as he can. Then he looks over at the three men. He points at another man and shouts, "You! Your mother gives me a blow job!" The second man looks at the old man, then goes about drinking his beer. Then the old man yells, "Bartender! Get me another tequila!" This time the bartender says, "No, old man, you have had enough." "Just one more!" yells the old man. So the bartender gets him one more tequila. The old man drinks it as fast as he can. Then looks at the three men. He points at the third man and shouts, "You! I eat out your mother!" The third man looks at the old man then looks at the other two men. All three of them get up and start walking over to the old man. Then they say, "Come on dad, you have had too much to drink."
Secretaries Powell and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn’t that Powell and Rumsfeld?" The barkeep says, "Yep, that’s them." So, the guy walks over to the two and says, "Hello, what are you guys doing?" Rumsfeld says, "We’re planning World War III." To which the guy replies, "Really? What’s going to happen?" Rumsfeld says, "Well, we’re going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman." And the guy exclaims, "Why are you going to kill a bicycle repairman!?!" With that, Rumsfeld turns to Powell and says, "See, I told you no one would care about the 10 million Afghans!"
A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon. All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink. The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on the butt?" The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips." The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?" Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them."
There are these 3 vampires. The first vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves. The second vampire walks into the bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of blood." The bartender gives him the shot of blood, the vampire drinks it, and leaves. The third vampire walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me a shot of water." The bartender says, "Why do you want a shot of water?" The vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and says, "Tea time."
A guy walks in and sits down at a bar. The side of his face is bruised and bleeding so the bartender asks, "What in the world happened to you, buddy?" The guy says "Oh, I got in a fight with my girlfriend and I called her a two-bit whore." "Yeah?" asks the bartender. "What did she do?" "She hit me with her bag of quarters!"
An Irish man is sitting in a pub one night when 3 Englishmen walked in. The men sit down and start to talk about how they can anger the Irishman. The first man says, "Watch this..." He gets up, walks over to the Irishman and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot." The Irishman just replies, "Oh, is that so now?" The Englishman, goes back to his seat perplexed, when his friend jumps up and says, "Here, lemme try that." So he goes over to the Irishman and says, "Hey man, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!" The Irishman only replies, "Oh, is that so now?" So the Englishman, frustrated goes and sits down with his friends. When the 3rd Englishman jumps up and says, "Well, now, I gotta try that!" So he walks over to the Irishman ans says, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was an ENGLISHMAN!" And the Irishman replies, "Aye, that's what your friends were saying!"
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a crown and coke.The bartender brings him an apple.The man says:I want a crown and coke,not a fucking apple.The bartender says take a bite.He takes a bite and says that tastes just like crown.the bartender says turn it over and take another bite. He takes another bite and he says that tastes just like coke. So he orders a few more and leaves.The next night he returns back to the same bar.He orders a crown and coke and the bartender says I have a something you might enjoy.I can make you something that tastes just like pussy.He says hell,I will have one of those.The bartender brings him an apple and tells him to take a bite.The man took a bite,then he spit it out and says:Gross!That tastes like shit!The bartender says: Turn it over!
3 vampires walk into a bar. The 1st one sits and orders a glass of hot blood, the 2nd sits and orders a glass of cold blood. When the 3rd one sits down she orders a glass of hot water. The bartender questions why the vampire would order hot water instead of blood. She reaches down and pulls out a tampon and says, "I want tea."
Three men at a bar Every Friday night, three men go to a bar and complain about their wives. Well the bartender gets sick of hearing about this every week so he tells the men to go home and do what their wives want for a week then come back and tell me what happened. Well next Friday comes around and the men are not complaining. The bartender asks what happened. The first guy says his wife asked him to clean the dishes, so I did but I chipped one and she yelled and said, "Why don't you just break them all." So I did and now she wants a divorce. The second guy goes that's nothing, I was replacing shingles on my roof but I knocked one down. She yelled and said, "Why don't you just tear the whole house down", so I did and now shes in shock. The third guy goes, "Damn, I got it easy, last night I was fooling around a little down their, and she told me to cut it out, so I did ..."
Theres a guy hes just drinking and getting drunk. Another man walks in the bar. There just sitting there getting drunk off of there asses. The first man says," I bet 100 dollars its blowing enough out side i we jump of the roof it will pull us right back up." So the second man takes that bet. There on the roof The second guy says. "You jump off first because I have a family and stuff. So the first man jumps of he comes right back up. The second man says"No way let me try." He jumps off and splat hes dead. The first man walks back in side. The waiter says to the first man, "Superman your a dick when you get drunk."
Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a gorgeous young lady sits down at the other end and orders a martini. Stunned by her beauty, the two guys stare at her for awhile, debating whether to approach her, when all of a sudden, she begins to cough, clutching her throat, and begin to turn blue. (obviously in serious respiratory distress). One said to the other, "That gal is having a bad time!" The other agreed and said, "Do you think we should go help?" "You bet!" said the first, and with that he ran over and said, "Can you speak?" She shook her head no. He then asked, "Can you breath?" She again shook her head no. With that, he pulled up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked by the act, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with embarrassed relief. At which point, the first Texan looked at his friend and exclaimed, "I guess that hind lick maneuver really does work!"
Iowa Taxidermist This guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Iowa." The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?" The guy says, "I mount animals." The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"
Q: What did the bartender say when a priest, a boyscout, and a blonde walked in? A: Is this a joke?
A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar. "I had sex with another woman last night," he tells her. "But I was thinking of you the whole time." "You miss me that much?" she asks. "No," he says. "But it kept me from coming too fast."
There were three men at a bar. One man got drunk and started a fight with the other two men. The police came and took the drunk guy to jail. The next day the man went before the judge. The judge asked the man, "Where do you work?" The man said, "Here and there." The judge asked the man, "What do you do for a living?" The man said, "This and that." The judge then said, "Take him away." The man said, "Wait, judge when will I get out?" The judge said to the man, "Sooner or later."
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "75 cents."
A Panda Bear walks into a bar and orders something to eat. After he gets great service he pays and goes ouside. He then pulled out an Ak-47 and shoots down the place. The chef comes out and says," Why the hell did you do that? I gave you great service." The panda bear says," Look up Panda Bear in the dictionary." So doing as the panda bear says HE looks it up and it says Pnada Bear... Eats...shoots...and leaves.
These three English guys are out drinking one night and decide that they want to have a fight. They stagger from pub to pub looking for a likely victim to pick on when they come across a single Irishman in this one bar. "Watch this!", says the first Englishman, heading over toward the guy, "I heard that St. Patrick was a shift lifter." "Really?", says the Irishman, calmly continuing to drink. With that the second English guy decides to join in, "Yeah, and he was a pervert too." "Is that so?", the still calm Irishman responds. "I know how to rile this tosser!", says the third Englishman, staggering toward the Irishman, "Hey, did you know St. Patrick was really an Englishman?" The Irish guy casually looks up and says, "Yeah, so your mates were telling me!"
Bush Lovers A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Bush appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him. A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Mrs. Bush appeared on the television. "She's a horse's ass too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Bush country!" "Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"
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