Computer Jokes: Funny Jokes About Computers

After Bill Gates wedding night, his wife finally knew why he called his company Microsoft.

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You have a big hand that when you hold a mouse a new pop up message saying new hardware detected displays at your computer

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Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors. "If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "You would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50." "Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

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99 little bugs in the code, 99 bugs in the code, fix one bug, compile it again, 101 little bugs in the code. 101 little bugs in the code,.... > (Repeat until BUGS = 0)

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Error codes in Windows ? WinErr 001: Windows loaded - System in danger ? WinErr 002: No Error - Yet ? WinErr 003: Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file ? WinErr 004: Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong ? WinErr 005: Multitasking attempted - System confused ? WinErr 006: Malicious error - Desqview found on drive ? WinErr 007: System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware ? WinErr 008: Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments ? WinErr 009: Horrible bug encountered - God knows what happened ? WinErr 00A: Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full ? WinErr 00B: Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB ? WinErr 00C: Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! ? WinErr 00D: Window closed - Do not look outside ? WinErr 00E: Window open - Do not look inside ? WinErr 00F: Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened ? WinErr 010: Reserved for future mistakes by our developers ? WinErr 011: Window open - Do not look outside ? WinErr 012: Window closed - Do not look inside ? WinErr 013: Unexpected error - Huh ? ? WinErr 014: Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of. ? WinErr 018: Unrecoverable error - System destroyed. Buy new one. ? WinErr 019: User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not! ? WinErr 01A: OS overwritten - Please reinstall all software. ? WinErr 01B: Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will suffer a penalty for that. ? WinErr 01C: Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate. ? WinErr 01D: System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code. ? WinErr 01E: Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait. ? WinErr 01F: Reserved for future mistakes of our developers. ? WinErr 020: Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost. ? WinErr 042: Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again. ? WinErr 079: Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue. ? WinErr 103: Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded. ? WinErr 678: This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? ? WinErr 683: Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure. ? WinErr 815: Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available. ? WinErr 912: Purchase a new copy of Windows today. Old license void. Windows has been deleted.

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Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). Mouse balls are now availabe as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by exmining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items. To re-order, specify on of the following: P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls

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What do Microsoft and a halter top have in common? Both offer very little support!

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The Latest Report on Windows: New Error Codes Assigned Winerr 000 - Unexpected Intelligent User Detected; Please Reload Everything Winerr 001 - Intimidation Failed; Attempting to Crash Repeatedly Winerr 002 - Erroneous Error; No Error Occurred (Yet) Winerr 003 - RAM Depleted; Annex Japan (Y/N)? Winerr 004 - Deluxe Error. Please Send $75 to Upgrade Your Error Winerr 005 - Long File Name Error; Tape Erased to Make Room for Filename Winerr 006 - Insufficient RAM to Crash Properly; Attempting Fake Crash Winerr 007 - Alphanumeric Sequence "OS2" Prohibited Winerr 008 - This License Has Expired; Please Purchase Another Copy Winerr 009 - Error Buffer Overflow; Too Many Errors Winerr 00A - Non-Microsoft Application Encountered Winerr 00B - Push Error; Removing Files to Make Room for Advertisement Winerr 00C - Windows Loaded Correctly This Time Winerr 00D - User Error; Lemming Not Found Winerr 00E - Open Standard Encountered; Attempting to Redmondize Winerr 00F - Reserved for Future Coding Errors Winerr 010 - Virus Error - Other Applications Will Be Closed Instead Winerr 011 - Orwell Not Found; You Must Use MSN Winerr 012 - Cash Underflow - Credit Card Number Will Be Assimilated Winerr 013 - Keyboard Error; User Must Learn to Slow Down Winerr 014 - User Error; Reading License Agreement Mandatory to Continue Winerr 015 - Error Message Deleted Winerr 016 - Expected Error Did Not Occur; Attempting to Restart Error Sequence Winerr 017 - Multitasking Attempted; System Confused Winerr 018 - Network Error - Your Crash Will Be Replicated to All Stations Winerr 019 - Freedom-of-Choice Error; Select a Microsoft Browser To Continue Winerr 01A - Insult Detected -- Your Bill Gates Joke Will Be Deleted Winerr 01B - Error Removing Temp File; a Permanent File Will Be Substituted Winerr 01C - Wrong Disk Formatted. Sorry About That. Winerr 01D - Mandatory Error Inserted to Meet Error Quota Winerr 01E - Please Insert Your Favorite Error Here Winerr 01F - Error In Progress; Please Wait.... Winerr 020 - Unknown Error Occurred But Was Lost. Windows Will Try To Remember Winerr 021 - Error Parsing Error List; Please Wait For Next Error Winerr 022 - Upgrade Error; Please Format Your Drive And Reload Everything

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There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer. When asked to define "great" he said "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!" He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.

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Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today?s world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn?t give their domain names enough consideration: 1. A site called ?Who Represents? where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name? wait for it? is www.whorepresents.com 2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com 3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net 4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com 5. Then of course, there?s the Italian Power Generator company? www.powergenitalia.com 6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com 7. If you?re looking for computer software, there?s always www.ipanywhere.com 8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com 9. Then, of course, there?s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com 10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com

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Howard County Police officers still write their reports by hand, and the data is entered later by a computer tech into their database. One theft report stated that a farmer had lost 2,025 pigs. Thinking that to be an error, the tech called the farmer directly. "Is it true Mr. (Smith) that you lost 2,025 pigs?" she asked. "Yeth." lisped the farmer. Being a Howard County girl herself, the tech entered, "Subject lost 2 sows and 25 pigs."

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We are Microsoft, "Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated!"

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With the recent problems being encountered by Windows users all across the country, people are begin to ask themselves if windows is a virus. In response to the high demand for an answer to that question a study was done and concluded the following. 1. Viruses replicate quickly. Windows does this. 2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so. Windows does this. 3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk. Windows does this. 4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Windows does that too. 5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Same with Windows, yet again. Maybe Windows really is a virus. Nope! There is a difference! Viruses are well supported by their authors, are frequently updated, and tend to become more sophisticated as they mature. So there! Windows is not a virus!

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A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

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Computer Diagnosis Diagnostic Computer Jeff woke up one morning with a really swollen wrist. "Don't go to the doctor" his friend told him, "there's a machine at the drug store that can tell you the problem faster. Give it a urine sample and it'll tell you the problem." Jeff gave it a try so he went to the drug store with the urine sample. He gave it the sample and after a brief pause a paper slip fell out: Your wrist is inflamed. Avoid heavy lifting. Cool it with ice. It will be better in one week. Late that evening Jeff thought how he could fool the machine. He stirred together urine samples from his dog, wife and daughter. To top it off, he jerked off into the sample cup. He went back to the store, walked up to the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. After a brief pause it churned out another slip of paper: Your dog has worms, get him to a vet. Your daughter is using meth, put her in rehab. Your wife is pregnant. And stop jacking off!

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At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated ’If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 mi/gal.’ Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement ’Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?’ and also noted the following consequences of GM imitating Microsoft: 1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you would accept this too. 4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought ’Car8’ or ’Car10’. But, then you would have to buy more seats. 5. Apple would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads. 6. The Apple car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars, which would make their cars run much slower. 7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single ’general car fault’ warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 9. The airbag system would say ’are you sure?’ before going off. 10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

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In Heaven: The cooks are French, The policemen are English, The mechanics are German, The lovers are Italian, The bankers are Swiss. In Hell: The cooks are English, The policemen are German, The mechanics are French, The lovers are Swiss, The bankers are Italian. In Computer Heaven: The management is from Intel, The design and construction is done by Apple, The marketing is done by Microsoft, IBM provides the support, Gateway determines the pricing. In Computer Hell: The management is from Apple, Microsoft does design and construction, IBM handles the marketing, The support is from Gateway, Intel sets the price.

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Q: How many Bill Gates does it take to change the light bulb? A: None. He just calls a meeting & makes darkness the standard.

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By following the instructions below, you should have error-free, long-lasting floppy disks. 1. Never leave diskettes in the disk drive, as data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders. 2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles can be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metallic shavings can be removed with scouring powder and soap. When waxing the diskettes, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time. 3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" diskettes may be folded and used in "little" disk drives. 4. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive. 5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through the xerox machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert two diskettes into the drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written on both diskettes. 6. Diskettes should not be inserted or removed from the drive while the red light is flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is "hooking" you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed access to the slot. 7. If your diskette is full and you need more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for 2 minutes. This will pack the data enough (Data Compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all the openings with scotch tape to prevent loss data. 8. Access time can be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk. 9. Diskettes may be used as coasters for beverage glasses, provided that they are properly waxed beforehand. Be sure to wipe the diskettes dry before using. (see item 2 above) 10. Never use scissors and glue to manually edit documents. The data is stored much too small for the naked eye, and you may end up with data from some other document stuck in the middle of your document. Razor blades and scotch tape may be used, however, provided the user is equipped with an electron microscope. 11. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading.

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Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about: "men staring at their breasts, and not listening to them."

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There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed a desire to become a "great" writer. When asked to define "great" he said: "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!" He now works for Microsoft writing error messages!

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More Funny Jokes About Computers:

Everyone Knows That If You Are Going To Operate A Business In Todays World You Need A Domain Name
There was once a young man who
A Woman Called The Canon Help Desk With A Problem With Her Printer
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With The Recent Problems Being Encountered By Windows Users All Across The Country People Are Begin To Ask Themselves If Windows Is A Virus
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By Following The Instructions Below You Should Have Error-free Long-lasting Floppy Disks
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The Following Are New Error Messages Are Planned For New Windows
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Bill Gates Is Hanging Out With The Chairman Of General Motors 2
Mouse Balls Available As Field Replacement Unit
99 Little Bugs In The Code
There Are Three Engineers In A Car An Electrical Engineer A Chemical Engineer And A Microsoft Engineer
If Microsoft Built Cars You Would Need To Restart Your Car Then
Bill Gates Is Hanging Out With The Chairman Of General Motors
The Latest Report On Windows New Error Codes Assigned
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Apple Computer Reported Today That It Has Developed Computer Chips That Can Store And Play Music Inside
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We Are Microsoft