Doctor Jokes: Funny Jokes About Doctors

After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said: "No hablo inglés"

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A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in six weeks." A German doctor says, "That is nothing. We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him out looking for work in four weeks." A British doctor says, "In my country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for work in two weeks." The American doctor, not to be outdone, interjected, "You guys are way behind. We are about to take a woman with no brains, put her in the White House, and then half the country will be out looking for work."

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Doctor, doctor sometimes i feel like a pair of curtains doctor: oh pull your self together.

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One day a guy goes to his doctor and says, "Doc I have these real bad headaches. What should I do?" The doctor replies, "Well, to get rid of my headaches I just have sex with my wife." They both laugh. A week later the patient returns. The doctor asks, "How are you feeling?" The patient smiles and replies, "You were right! I feel so much better. And, by the way, Doc, you have a lovely home."

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Patient: "Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?" Doctor: "Not really. It will just seem longer."

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A pretty young blonde visiting her new doctor for the first time found herself alone in a small waiting room. She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last of her garments over the back of a chair, a light rap sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in. Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude patient up and down carefully and with considerable appreciation. "Miss Smith", he said finally, "it seems quite obvious to me that until today you have never undergone an eye examination!"

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Patient: "Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow." Doctor: "How do you feel?" Patient: "A little down in the mouth!"

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When I was born, the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look ... twins!" --- Rodney Dangerfield

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A doctor, George Bush, a Priest, and a little boy were on a plane when it started having engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot the plane started to go down. Unfortunately there were only 3 parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said, "I am a doctor, I save lives so I deserve to live!" And jumped out. Bush then said, "I am the President and I am the smartest man in the world, so I deserve to live!" And jumped out. The priest looked at the boy and said, "My son I have lived a long life, and you have a whole life to live, so you take the parachute." The boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "No worries father, the 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my backpack!"

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A man goes to the doctor and shows him his penis. The doctor looks at it and sees its full of holes. The man says, "It's terrible, when I pee, it's like a watering can, it goes everywhere!" The doctor says, "I think you ought to go and see Mr Croft." "Is he a specialist penis doctor?" the man asks. "No he's a clarinet player, he'll show you how to hold it!"

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A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches each part of her body with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!" The doctor asks, "Were you ever a Blonde?" "Yes, I was" she replies, "why do you ask?" The doctor answers, "Because your finger is broken!"

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A British doctor, a German doctor and an American doctor were chatting. The British doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks." Then the German doctor bragged, "That"s nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks." The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and almost immediately afterwards half the country was looking for work."

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A man goes to his doctor with a banana stuck in each ear and grapes stuck up his nose. He tells the doctor, "I feel terrible." The doctor replies, "Of course you do, you're not eating right."

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GRACE HAD TO GO TO THE DOCTER TODAY . HEY DOCTER YOUR SO DUME IM DONE WITH YOU IM GOING TO A NOTHER DOCTER YO.

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Question: What do puppies and gynecologists have in common? Answer: Wet noses!

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A woman visiting her doctor’s office suddenly blurts out, "Doctor, kiss me!" The doctor looks at her and says that it would be against his code of ethics to kiss her. About 20 minutes later the woman shouts again, "Doctor, please, kiss me just once!" Again he refuses apologetically but says that as a doctor he simply cannot kiss her. Finally another 15 minutes pass, and the exasperated woman pleads with the doctor, "Doctor, doctor, please kiss me just once!" "Look," says the doctor. "I am sorry. I just can’t kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn’t even be fucking you."

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Your mama is so fat she went to the docters office and the docter told her to step on the scale so she did and the docter said whos phone number is this

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John is at the doctor recieving just a general checkup when he says to the doctor "hey doc, did you know i can sing out of my arse?". "Oh really?" says the doc "show me then". The man gets up in a squating position, pulls down his pants and does a big shit all over the chair. "What was that for?!?" questions the doctor, quite disgusted "oh" says the man "i was just clearing my throat"

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A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist. He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better. The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face. Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

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Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled? Dentist: $100.00. Patient: $100.00 for just a few minutes work? Dentist: Well, I can extract it very slowly if you like.

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Doctor: Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body? Larry: Shhh, doctor! There are three dogs outside in the waiting room!

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More Funny Jokes About Doctors:

A Distraught Patient Phoned Her Doctor S Office
I Have An Earache
A Man Speaks Frantically Into The Phone My Wife Is Pregnant
Two Doctors And An HMO Manager Die And Line Up Together At The Pearly Gates
Doctor I Think I Need Glasses
Two Psychiatrists Were Walking Down A Hall
In A Hospital's Intensive Care Unit Patients Were Dying In The Same Bed Every Sunday
A Patient Came To His Dentist With Problems With His Teeth
Four Doctors Who Had Not Seen Each Other Since Their Surgical Residencies Met At A Medical Seminar
This Guy Goes To The Doctor And He Says In A Girls Voice Why Do I Sound Like This
A Lady Walks Into Her Doctors Office Screaming
A Man Named Matt Went To The Doctor To Get Some Pills
Patient To Cosmetic Surgeon Will It Hurt Me Doctor
Two Doctors Are In The Hallway Complaining About Nurse Nancy
A Guy Walks Into A Psychiatrist S Office Covered Only In Saran Wrap
GRACE HAD TO GO TO THE DOCTER TODAY
Doctor If I Give Up Wine Women And Song Will I Live Longer
A British Doctor A German Doctor And An American Doctor Were Chatting
A Brunette Goes To The Doctor And As She Touches Each Part Of Her Body With Her Finger She Says Doctor It Hurts Everywhere
A Doctor George Bush A Priest And A Little Boy Were On A Plane
Doctor Nick Walks Into His Office To Talk To A Patient
A Woman And A Baby Were In The Doctor’s Examining Room
My Stomach Is Getting Awfully Big Doctor
What Is The Difference Between A Genealogist And A Gynecologist
Doctor Feel Like A Pirate
A Man Goes To His Doctor With A Banana Stuck In Each Ear And Grapes Stuck Up His Nose
One Day A Guy Goes To His Doctor And Says Doc I Have These Real Bad Headaches What Should I Do
A Pretty Young Blonde Visiting Her New Doctor For The First Time
My Hair Keeps Falling Out
Health Care Costs Are Rising Uncontrollably Across The World
Medicine In My Country Is So Advanced That We Can Take A Kidney Out Of One Man Put It In Another And Have Him Out Looking For Work In Six Weeks
A Jelly Baby Goes To The Doctor
A Japanese Man Went To The Eye Doctor
After 12 Years Of Therapy My Psychiatrist Said
One Day This Woman Went To Her Doctores And Said I Cant Get My Husband On Me
A Dentist Say S To His Patient There Is A Cavity Here I Must Drill But Before Hand I Will Numb The Area With Novacain
There Was A Baby Born In The Hospital And He Weighed Ten Pounds
Brief History Of Medicine
A Brunette Goes To The Doctor And As She Touches Each Part Of Her Body With Her Finger
A Modest Man Is In The Hospital For A Series Of Tests
The Psychology Instructor Had Just Finished A Lecture On Mental Health And Was Giving An Oral Test
A Man Seeking To Lose Some Of His Excess Weight Visited The Local Doctor
A Woman Accompanied Her Husband To The Doctor S Office
How Is That Little Girl Doing Who Swallowed Ten Quarters Last Night
My Daughter Believes In Preventative Medicine Doctor
What Should I Do If My Temperature Goes Up Five More Points
Wel What Have We Here
Did You Know That There Are More Than 1000 Bones In The Human Body
A Guy Had Been Feeling Down For So Long That He Finally Decided To Seek The Aid Of A Psychiatrist
What Do Puppies And Gynecologists Have In Common