Funny Quotes: Funny Quotes

A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country. A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense. A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work. A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him. A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead. A bird in the hand is dead. A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose. A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun. A clean tie attracts the soup of the day. A closed mouth gathers no food.

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Rodney Dangerfield One Liners: I know what day of the week you were born. I was so poor growing up ... If I wasn't born a boy .... I'd have nothing to play with. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home! During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. One day as I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy ... "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early." It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. I was such an ugly kid .... When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up. I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. I was such an ugly baby ... My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend. I'm so ugly ... My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry .... We did everything we could ... But he pulled through. I'm so ugly ... My mother had morning sickness ... AFTER I was born. I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. Once when I was lost ... I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him ... "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide." My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. I'm so ugly ... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror ... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

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Any wire cut to length will be too short. Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else. Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked. Anyone who makes an absolute statement is a fool. Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator. - Claude Shouse Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart. Anything in parentheses can be ignored. Anything is easier to take apart than to put together.

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Everything is always done for the wrong reasons. Everything put together sooner or later falls apart. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. Everything takes longer than you think. Everything tastes more or less like chicken. Everything worthwhile is mandatory, prohibited, or taxed. Everything you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out. Excellence can be attained if you care more than others think is wise, risk more than others think is safe, dream more than others think is practical, expect more than others think is possible. Exceptions always outnumber rules.

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When there are too many policemen, there can be no liberty; When there are too many soldiers, there can be no peace; When there are too many lawyers, there can be no justice.? -- Lin Yutang Litigation is a machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage? -- Ambrose Bierce "A country man between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats? -- Benjamin Franklin Lawyers have been known to wrest from reluctant juries triumphant verdicts of acquittal for their clients, even when those clients, as often happens, were clearly and unmistakably innocent? -- Oscar Wilde In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls? -- Lenny Bruce I was never ruined but twice -- once when I lost a lawsuit, and once when I gained one? -- Voltaire

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Hilarious Quotes XI Hilarious Newspaper Headlines (the best of 1999) 1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies 2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say 3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case 5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms 6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope 7. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over 8. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands 9. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids 10. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead 11. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told 12. Miners Refuse to Work After Death 13. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant 14. Stolen Painting Found by Tree 15. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter 16. War Dims Hope for Peace 17. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While 18. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide 19. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge 20. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group 21. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space 22. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks 23. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half 24. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

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Given a bad start, trouble will increase at an exponential rate. Glory may be fleeting, but obscurity is forever. Go where the money is. Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement. Good listeners are not only popular everywhere, but after awhile they know something. Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. Great minds run in great circles. Half of being smart is knowing what you are dumb at. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

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The bigger they are, the harder they hit. The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow. The business plan you prepare must be a lie; but it must be a detailed and precise lie rather than a vague and general lie. The business world worships mediocrity. Officially, we revere free enterprise, initiative, and individuality. Unofficially, we fear it. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication. The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional to...to...uhh... The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. The chaos in the universe always increases. The chief cause of problems is solutions. The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

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Kids in the back seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause kids! It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end! The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard! Never take life seriously, nobody gets out alive, anyway! There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead! An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys!

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Said the Buddhist to the hot dog vendor: "Make me one with everything."

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Purring: Sound of a cat manufacturing cuteness. Purrverse: Poem about a strange kitty. Purranoia: The fear that your cat is up to something. Human being: Automatic door opener for cats. Purrpetual: Everlasting love for domesticated felines. Purrson: A male kitty. Purrpetual motion: A kitty playing.

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Whereas, on an occasion immediately preceding the Nativity festival, throughout a dwelling unit, quiet descended, in which could be heard no disturbance, not even the sound emitted by a diminutive rodent related to, and in form resembling, a rat; and Snowman, whereas, the offspring of the occupants had affixed their tubular, closely knit coverings for the nether limbs to the flue of the fireplace in expectation that a personage known as St.Nicholas would arrive; and Whereas, said offspring had become somnolent, and were entertaining re: saccharine-flavored fruit; and Whereas, the adult male of the family, et ux, attired in proper headgear, had also become quiescent in anticipation of nocturnal inertia; and Whereas, a distraction on the snowy acreage outside aroused the owner to investigate; and Whereas, he perceived in a most unbelieving manner a vehicle propelled by eight domesticated quadrupeds of a species found in arctic regions; and Whereas, a most odd rotund gentleman was entreating the aforesaid animals by their appellations, as follows: "Your immediate co-operation is requested. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and Vixen; and collective action by you will be much appreciated, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen"; and Whereas, subsequent to the above, there occurred a swift descent to the hearth by the aforementioned gentleman, where he proceeded to deposit gratuities in the aforementioned tubular coverings. Now, therefore, be ye advised: that upon completion of these acts, and upon his return to his original point of departure, he proclaimed a felicitation of the type prevalent and suitable to these occasions, i.e.:

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Actual Court Transcriptions: Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. Q: How old is your son-the one living with you. A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he? Q: Were you present when your picture was taken? Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war? Q: Did he kill you? Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision? Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true? Q: How many times have you committed suicide? Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None. Q: Were there any girls? Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes. Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

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1) Compassionativity is not a word. 2) Social Security IS a federal program. 3) Benjamin Franklin did NOT invent the light bulb. 4) Trout are not extinct. 5) Brazil DOES have blacks. 6) Speaking is an important part of being president. 7) Our children is learning enough. 8) Fool me once, shame on you... fool me twice, shame on me. 9)Two words... Big Oil. 10) Sanity is an inalieble right.

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Cindy Lou Edleman Performs Quality Sexual Favors Your Mother and Father Are of the Same Genetic Background Mexicans Smell Vaguely of Jalapenos Last Night You Enjoyed Carnal Pleasures With Your Sister Your Intelligence Quota is Dubious at Best For a Moderate Fee I Believe Your Mother Would Fellate Me You Have Had Intimate Relations With a Person of African Descent and You Shall Never Know the Love of a Caucasian Again. You Look Upon Your Dog With Lust Methinks You Have the Odor of Fecal Matter Upon You I Partook in Intercourse with Your Sisterís Derriere The Acne on Your Face Spreads Throughout Your Nether Regions The People of France Know Not the Joys of Deodorant A Hamster is Superior in Intelligence to Your Mother For An Evening of Sordid Delights Involving Both Sadism and Masochism, Please Ring Mary at 212.555.5555 Ryan Beaugarde is Inadequate in the Ways of Oral Enjoyment The Heavy Metal Rock Band Entitled Motley Crue is Quite First-Rate Your Sexually Promiscuous Mother Can Be Found in the Phone Book Under "Whore" Homosexuals Are Men Who Have Intercourse With Other Men. If You Participate in Such Activities You Are A Homosexual Your Fatherís Proclivities Lead Him to Engage in Relations with Livestock President Bush is Missing a Chromosome The Toilet Upon Which You Currently Sit is Sprayed with a Mixture of Vomit, Feces and Urine.

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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day!

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50 Ways To Say It: 1. "If my heart were a baked potato, Iíd serve it to you with extra butter and sour cream." 2. "Your terrible personality isnít so terrible after a few drinks and even when I sober up, itís not as terrible as everyone says." 3. "Iíd shave my entire body with a dull, rusty razor blade and take a vinegar bath for you." 4. "I am rubber, you are glue, any feelings you have for me bounce off and stick to you. Ironically, I feel the same way." 5. "The other day I saw this little girl day drop her whole ice cream cone on the ground and start bawling. After I stopped laughing, I thought, "Iím the same way when you donít call when you say you will." 6. "I saw you in the morning, on the toilet, and I didnít run screaming. So there." 7. "Hug me. If you let go -- you lose." 8. "UmmÖ likeÖ you and me? Yeah. You and me." 9. "You are to me what an eye patch and parrot is to a pirate." 10. "You are the hole in my donut." 11. "I am the pork, you are the beans." 12. "You make me want to vomit little chocolate hearts." 13. "You are my personal parachute." 14. "If you were a margarita, Iíd drink you by the bucket." 15. "I really like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like you." 16. "If I had my junior high dance to do all over again, Iíd lean against the far wall, stare at you, and hate myself for not asking you if you liked the punch." 17. "I donít love you. I merely enjoy tolerating your existence immensely." 18. "Iíll still want to have sex with you even when youíre old, fat, and ugly." 19. "You had me at ĎStop following meí." 20. "Your farts smell like vanilla." 21. "Weíre a two person chain gang." 22. "I am valedictorian of the University of You." 23. "If you needed a kidney transplant, Iíd also throw in a bonus lung." 24. "The wet, fatty ball of muscle and sinew that pumps my thick, steaming blood to all of my internal organs starts to beat irregularly when you come into my line of sight." 25. "You are to me what Oprah is to mediocre self-help gurus." 26. "While youíre in the shower, I collect your skin flakes from the sheets and now I carry them around in this little napkin I keep tied around my neck." 27. "You suck! So good." 28. "If you were frozen in Carbonite and taken by bounty hunters, Iíd gladly disguise myself, infiltrate a fortress of intergalactic gangsters, threaten them with a thermal detonator, and defrost you myself." 29. "When I was a kid I was kind of stupid and I thought it would be fun if I stuck a fork in the wall socket and obviously I was thrown across the room. Well, that shock that made my teeth chatter and my hair fall out? Thatís like you." 30. "We are totally codependent and I donít want it any other way." 31. "This is the "happily ever after" part of the damn fairy tale, dig?" 32. "If you were a handful of genital crabs, Iíd never change my underwear." 33. "Iím not saying we shouldnít see other people. Iím just saying Iíll chase whoever you see out of town with a nail-studded baseball bat." 34. "I am your blank check. Donít bounce me." 35. "Shut your piehole! Okay -- now kiss me with that beautiful piehole." 36. "If you were in a horrible accident and they put your head in a saline solution-filled fish tank, Iíd feed you, change your water, and carry you on my back everyday until they built you a kick-ass robot body." 37. "If given the choice between playing roundball like Michael Jordan or raising rugrats with you in a trailer park then Iíd be the first to stand in line to buy diapers." 38. "Youíre such a fucking asshole! And so am I. Letís forgive each other, get drunk, and screw." 39. "If I was smart, Iíd follow you around like a puppy and never, ever crap in the corner." 40. "Not only would I carry you out of the factory and drive away you away on my sweet chopperÖ Iíd also buy you a beer and a basket of fries." 41. I wrote you a poem: "You walk in beauty like the night/ which means youíre the hottest babe in sight/Come home with me so I donít get in a fight/I agree with what you said: you are always right." 42. "Iím a grown up and just face the facts that youíre my security blanket." 43. "You donít know it, but right here, right now, is the point in the musical montage part of the movie. Letís split a pretzel and go for a walk on the footbridge." 44. "Not only would I die for you, Iíd bitch slap Satan a good one, too." 45. "Look: youíre the only one allowed in my bunker. So go get some batteries while Iíll clean my shotgun." 46. "Iím a junky for your instant messages." 47. "I had the weirdest dream last night: I was waking up just as dawn was breaking, but instead of the sun rising on the horizon, it was your glowing face. You were smiling and glowing and it felt to good. Isnít that just strange? I have NO idea what that means. Pass the ketchup." 48. "Youíre my best and only naked friend." 49. "Iíd smoke five packs of you everyday and welcome each and every eventual tumor." 50. "Letís set aside cool, ironic detachment for just a moment, shall we? I love you. WowÖ wasnít that just like lame movie Reality Bites? Youíve never seen it? Itís awesomeÖ in a totally stupid way."

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The only difference between your face and a bag of crap, is the bag!

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A good scapegoat is hard to find. A good slogan can stop analysis for fifty years. A good solution can be successfully applied to almost any problem. A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. A little ambiguity never hurt anyone. A little humility is arrogance. A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation. A little ignorance can go a long way. A man of quality does not fear a woman seeking equality. A man should be greater than some of his parts.

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If at first, you do succeed, try not to look astonished!

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After all is said and done, usually more is said than done. After any unit has been completely assembled, extra components will be found on the bench. Afternoon: that part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning. Aiming for the least common denominator sometimes causes division by zero. All American cars are basically Chevrolets. All general statements are false; think about it. All generalizations are false, including this one. All generalizations are useless, including this one. All good things must come to an end, I just want to know when they start! All great discoveries are made by mistake.

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