Gender Jokes: Funny Gender Jokes

Any argument that a man and woman are involved in, the woman gets the last word. Anything a man says afterwards is the beginning of a new argument.

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HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN... compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.... HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN... show up naked, bring beer.

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Q: Why do men take showers instead of baths? A: Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

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Oil Changing Instructions for Women: 1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change. 2) Drink a cup of coffee. 3)15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle. Money spent: $20.00 for oil change $1.00 for coffee Total = $21.00 Oil Change instructions for Men: 1) Go to O' Reillys auto parts and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty Litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree. 2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard. 3) Open a beer and drink it. 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7) Place drain pan under engine. 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9) Give up and use crescent wrench. 10) Unscrew drain plug. 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process. 12) Clean up mess. 13) Have another beer while watching oil drain. 14) Look for oil filter wrench. 15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off. 16) Beer. 17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow. 18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. 20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday. 21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer. 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface. 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 24) Remember drain plug from step 11. 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug. 27) Drink beer. 28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug. 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. 30) Drink beer. 31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame. 32) Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31. 33) Begin cussing fit. 34) Throw wrench. 35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in her overabundant chest. 36) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow. 37) Beer. 38) Beer. 39) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil. 40) Beer. 41) Lower car from jack stands. 42) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands. 43) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23. 44) Beer. 45) Test drive car. 46) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence. 47) Car gets impounded. 48) Make bail: Get car from impound yard. Money spent: $50.00 parts $25.00 beer $75.00 replacement set of jack stands $1,000.00 Bail $200.00 Impound and towing fee Total = $1350.00

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If a man says something in the woods and no woman hears him, is he still wrong?

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Question: Why are guys faster than girls? Answer: They have a stick shift and ball bearings!

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Why did God invent a man first? She wanted to start with something simple.

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A woman's personality based on what she drinks. Beer Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth. Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool. Blender Drinks Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass. Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy. Mixed Drinks Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants. Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. She'll send YOU a drink. Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below) Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated. Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years...Alzheimer's and term limits be damned. White Zin Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue. Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is... Shots Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk ... and naked. Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait. Additional Note: If she likes salt on the rim of her Margarita, she swallows.

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Hallo daar test EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts SOCIABLE: Joins friends in pissing whether he has to or not CROSS-EYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed TIMID: Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes back later INDIFFERENT: If all urinals being used, pisses in sink CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and pisses on floor WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit fly or bug ABSENT MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble TOUGH: Bangs penis on side of urinal to dry it PATIENT: Stands very close for a long time waiting, lets it drip dry, reads with other hand EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, then does both DRUNK: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants DISGRUNTED: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away CONCEITED: Holds two inch penis like a baseball bat DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth clenched, pisses in pants SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get blamed

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Why Men Are Happier Than Women! 1. We keep our last name. 2. The garage is all ours. 3. Wedding plans take care of themselves. 4. Chocolate is just another snack. 5. We can be president. 6. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. 7. Car mechanics tell us the truth. 8. The world is our urinal. 9. We never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky. 10. Same work, more pay. 11. Wrinkles add character. 12. Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100. 13. People never stare at our chest when we're talking to them. 14. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. 15. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet. 16. One mood, ALL the time. 17. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. 18. We know stuff about tanks. 19. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. 20. We can open all our own jars. 21. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. 22. If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend. 23. Our underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. 24. Everything on our face stays its original color. 25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. 26. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. 27. We almost never have strap problems in public 28. We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes. 29. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades. 30. We don't have to shave below our neck. 31. Our belly usually hides our big hips. 32. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. 33. We can "do" our nails with a pocket-knife. 34. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. 35. We can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

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Question: What do you call a fat woman who likes men and women? Answer: A bisexual built for two!

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HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN...compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.... HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN... show up naked,bring beer.

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A women once said: "A man is like a deck of playing cards: You need a heart to love him, a diamond to marry him, a club to beat him with and a spade to bury him!"

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What do woman and condoms have in common? they both spend more time in your wallet then on your dick

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The GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas. Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash. Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40 a woman is like Italy. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary. Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future. After 70, they become like Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there. THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN Between 13 and 80 a man is like the US - ruled by a dick.

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He does not have a FAT BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY. He is not a CRAP DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. He does not SLEEP AROUND - He is HORIZONTALLY OVER-GENEROUS. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He is a SWINE EMPATHIZING BIGOT. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED. He does not STINK - He has HYGIENE AVERSION SYNDROME. He is not a GROPING PERVERT - He suffers from COMPULSIVE HAND MOVEMENT DISORDER. He is not OBSESSED WITH TELEVISED SPORTS - He has AN ATHLETIC TELEVISUAL ADDICTION. He does not IGNORE YOU - He has ATTENTION SPAN DEFICIT DISORDER. He is not a LAZY, MESSY SLOB - He LACKS HAND-VACUUM COORDINATION. He does not tell ENDLESS, BORING, UNFUNNY JOKES - He is HUMORLY OVER-CONFIDENT. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

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There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy. "Can I touch it?" "No way -- you already broke yours off!"

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Question: What is the difference between a boy and a girl? Answer: The boy is eight times more likely to be convicted of murder.

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Q: The male sex has two hobbies. What are they? A: His left hand and his right hand.

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How can you tell the difference between a snowman and a snow woman? Snow balls

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Manisms 1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella. 2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: (a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master. (b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. (c) After wrecking your boss's car. (d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game." (e) When she is using her teeth. 3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies. 4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours. 5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her. 6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable. 7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice. 8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest. 9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing. 10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend. 11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free. 12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts. 13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked. 14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed. 15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything. 16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers. 17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight. 18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy. 19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer. 20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response. 21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights: a) Yeah, Baby, Push it! b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c) Another set and we can hit the showers! 22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need. 23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary. 24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was. 25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours. 26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue. 27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story. 28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below: "GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?" "BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!" We hope this clears up any confusion, The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.

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