Lawyer Jokes: Funny Jokes About Lawyers

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Shoot him before he hits the water!

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How many lawyer jokes are there? Three... the rest are all true!

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What Did A Lawyer Name His Daughter? Sue!

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You Might Be A Lawyer If.... You are charging someone for reading these jokes. The shortest sentence you have ever written was more than eighty words long. You have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill. Your other car is a BMW. When you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer. When your wife says "I love you," you cross-examine her.

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How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant!

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Warning Signs that you Might Need a Different Lawyer 1. Your lawyer tells you that his last good case was of Budweiser. 2. When the prosecutors see your lawyer, they high-five each other. 3. Your lawyer picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose." 4. Your lawyer tells you that he has never told a lie. 5. A prison guard is shaving your head.

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Circular Logic Two men are in court on drug charges. The judge says, "If, over the weekend, you can persuade enough people to give up drugs, I'll let you two off." Back in court on Monday, the judge asks for their results. "I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever," the first man says. "That's great," the judge replies. "What did you tell them?" "I drew two circles; one big, one small. I told them the big circle was their brain before drugs, and the little circle was their brain after drugs." The other defendant says, "I got 100 people to give up drugs!" "One hundred! How?" asks the judge. "Well, I drew the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison...'"

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What do you call 500 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start!

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What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? Not enough sand!

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A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney e-mailed the firm: Justice prevailed.? The senior partner replied in haste, Appeal immediately?

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How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb? Four, one to climb the ladder, one to hold the ladder, one to shake the ladder and one to sue the ladder company!

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What do you call a bus full of lawyers going over a cliff with three empty seats? A total waste of space!

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What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad? Senator!

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Why is the N.I.H. (National Institute of Health) substituting rats with lawyers for lab tests? Three reasons: 1. There are more lawyers then rats. 2. When rats die many lab techies feel bad for them. 3. There are some things a rat will not do.

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A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

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What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common? Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being!

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Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died? He was looking for loopholes!

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What do lawyers use for birth control? Their personalities!

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Question: How many lawyers does it take to plaster a wall? Answer: Depends on how hard you throw them!

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Why does the bar association prohibit lawyers and clients from having sex? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service!

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How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope!

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More Funny Jokes About Lawyers:

You Are Stuck In An Elevator With A Tiger A Lion And A Lawyer
What Is The Ideal Weight Of A Lawyer
YOU Know You Need A Different Lawyer When
NASA Was Interviewing Professionals To Be Sent To Mars
What Happens When A Lawyer Takes Viagra
When A Person Assists A Criminal In Breaking The Law Before The Criminal Gets Arrested We Call Him An Accomplice
Why Was The Lawyer Skimming The Bible
Two Lawyers Were Out Hunting When They Came Upon A Couple Of Tracks
A Defense Attorney Was Cross-examining A Police Officer During A Felony Trial
A Big-city California Lawyer Went Duck Hunting In Rural Texas
What Do You Call A Bus Full Of Lawyers Going Over A Cliff With Three Empty Seats
What Is The Definition Lucky Break
The Following Is A True Story And This Situation Supposedly Occurred In A Real Courtroom
Why Does New Jersey Have All The Toxic Waste Dumps
A Doctor And A Lawyer Were Talking At A Party
Two Little Squirrels Were Walking Along In The Forest
Warning Signs That You Might Need A Different Lawyer
A Judge Working A Double Homicide Case Tells The Defendant You Are Charged With Beating Your Wife To Death With A Hammer
What Do A Lawyer And A Sperm Have In Common
A Defense Attorney Was Cross-examining A Police Officer During A Felony Trial - It Went Like This
What Do You Call 100000 Lawyers Drowning In The Pacific Ocean
How Many Lawyers Does It Take To Roof A House
At A Trial An Attorney Was Putting Witnesses Through An Exacting Cross-examination
The Following Is A True Story And This Situation Supposedly Occurred In A Real Courtroom
How Do You Get A Lawyer Out Of A Tree
How Can You Tell If A Lawyer Is Lying
A Lawyer Was Filling Out A Job Application When He Came To The Question Have You Ever Been Arrested
A Brooklyn Lawyer A Used Car Salesman And A Banker Were Gathered By A Coffin Containing The Body Of An Old Friend
What Do You Call Throwing All The Lawyers In The Ocean
This Is The Best Lawyer Story Of The Year Decade And Probably The Century
What Do You Call A Lawyer Who Has Gone Bad
An Airliner Was Having Engine Trouble And The Pilot Instructed The Cabin Crew
Now That You Have Been Acquitted Will You Tell Me Truly Did You Steal The Car
How Many Law Professors Does It Take To Change A Light bulb
How Do You Stop A Lawyer From Drowning?
Why Are Lawyers Like Nuclear Weapons?
A Stingy Old Lawyer Who Had Been Diagnosed With A Terminal Illness Was Determined
A Junior Partner In A Law Firm Was Sent To A Far Away Country To Represent A Long-term Client Accused Of Robbery
Why Did The Post Office Recall The New Lawyer Stamps?
Why Does New Jersey Have All The Toxic Waste Dumps And California Has All The Lawyers
Terrorists Hijack A Plane Full Of Lawyers
A Judge Asks A Defendant To Please Stand
Why Is The National Institute Of Health Substituting Rats With Lawyers For Lab Tests
What Did The Judge Say When The Skunk Walked In The Court Room
Rules For Hunting Lawyers
You Might Be A Lawyer If
You Are Stuck In A Foxhole
A Doctor And A Lawyer Were Talking At A Party
There Was A Lawyer Who Just Had A Surgery
What Do A Lawyer And A Sperm Have In Common?