Relationship Jokes: Funny Jokes About Relationships

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?" "Just rub toilet paper between them." Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?" "I don't know, but it worked for your ass!"

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A plane crashes flying over the Pacific and somehow three people survive. Dave, Brad, and Naomi. They manage to make their way to a tiny island with enough resources to live and eat. After a few years of this nature inevitably took its course (in the spirit of procreation of course) and life went on as normal, after another few years Naomi spoke to the guys and said, "I can't stand this anymore, the guilt is too much, I'm going to kill myself" And did so, much to the annoyance of the guys. Another couple of years went by and again nature took its course, after a while Dave said to Brad, "I can't stand this anymore, the guilt is too much" "So what you gonna do?" inquired Dave. "I think I'll just bury her dude!"

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Husband: If you cook well we can avoid our cook and save Rs.1000 per month. Wife: If you fuck well we can avoid our cook, driver, gardener, servant and save Rs.4000 per month!

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Close call A man and his wife are lying in bed one morning when suddenly the phone rings. the man answers and replies to the voice on the other end, "How the hell do i know? i'm not a bloody weatherman!". His wife, confused, asked who it was on the phone. The man turns to her and replies, " i don't know- some idiot asking if the coast is clear."

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To My Dearest Wife, During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often: We will wake the kids - 54 times It's too late - 15 times I'm too tired - 42 times It's too early - 12 times It's too hot - 18 times Pretending to be asleep - 31 times The neighbors will hear - 9 times Headache or backache - 26 times Sunburn - 10 times Your mother will hear us - 9 times Not in the mood - 21 times Watching the late show - 17 times Too sore - 26 times New hairdo - 6 times Wrong time of the month - 14 times You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we? Love, Your Hubby ------------------------- To My Dearest Husband, I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year: Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times Did not come home at all - 36 times Did not come - 21 times Came too soon - 38 times Went soft before you got it in - 19 times Cramps in your leg - 16 times Working too late - 33 times You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?" Love, Your Wife

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A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says: "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies: "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine?"

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Did you hear about the guy who found out the secret to making women happy? No, neither did I.

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A wife comes home from playing golf with her friends. "How was your day?" her husband asks. "It was just awful," she replies. "I got stung by a bee." "Oh, that must've hurt. Where'd you get stung?" the husband asks. "Between the first and second holes," she tells him. "Hmm," he says. "Sounds like your stance is too wide."

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Season Tickets Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium." "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not." "Season's more than half over," he said.

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A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vice. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to cut it off, are you?!?" The husband said, with a horrible gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

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Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says ?I don?t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.? The husband says ?WHAT? The wife says, ?You must not be in tune with my emotional needs as a woman.? The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can?t decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. They go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. Then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, ?But you don?t even play tennis, but OK, if you like it then let?s get it.? The wife is jumping up and down ? she?s so excited, she cannot believe what is going on. She says ?I?m ready to go, let?s go to the cash register.? The husband says, ?No - no - no, honey we?re not going to buy all this stuff.? The wife?s face goes blank, ?No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.? Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the husband says ?You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man.?

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There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years. Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance. "You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained. After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse. While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream. Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs. "You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"

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"The car won't start," aid a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburettor." "How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburettor is." "I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburettor." "We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?" "In the swimming pool."

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They've started Again ooo! Why would a girl that claims to love you, send u :::: boxers and expect a BB ? :::A tie and expect Brazillian hair? Singlet and expect iPAD2 ::: cuff-links and expect Blackberry porsche ::::nothing at all and expect an expensive dinner @ KFC, Pay her school fees and she is on her period three times a month yet we preach gender equality.... NO! As a result of d observable injustice and inequlity. The Boyfriends Association of Nigeria (BAN) in its 17th annual general meeting held yesterday at d Federal secretariat Abuja, has concluded, dat it should be on (TB) trade by barter this Feb 14th coming in d next 16 days simply: A singlet for bra. A boxers for a pant. A roll on' for a Sure Pef. Cuff-links for a rubber band to tie her natural hair. If she shows up at ur door empty handed,off ur cable,put NTA for her to watch. If she gives u flower,u give her mango leaf,after all,d two are gotten from trees.. If she comes for a dinner without money, take her to night vigil.

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An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said, "I enjoyed time with my wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship." The artist said, "I enjoyed time with my mistress, because of the passion and mystery I found there." The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" they questioned. The Engineer said, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

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A guy’s been dating the girl of his dreams for several months, but he’s been holding back his sexual advances because he’s worried she’ll notice his smaller-than-average penis. One night they’re in his car, and he decides to finally make his move. After kissing for a while, he opens his zipper and guides her hand into his pants. "No, thanks," moans the girl. "You know I don’t smoke."

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A wife complains, "A wall clock almost killed my mother-in-law today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch." Her husband mumbled, "Clock always was slow."

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Close call A man and his wife are lying in bed one morning when suddenly the phone rings. the man answers and replies to the voice on the other end, "How the hell do i know? i'm not a bloody weatherman!". His wife, confused, asked who it was on the phone. The man turns to her and replies, " i don't know- some idiot asking if the coast is clear."

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A couple had been married for many years, and their son had gotten old enough to date. One day the boy brought a girl over to diner. The mother was thrilled with her son's choice and couldn't wait for the wedding. However, the father was upset and, eventually, the boy asked, "Dad, why don't you seem happy with her. Mom likes her a lot." The father explained, "No son, there's nothing wrong with the girl. It's just that I cheated on your mother a long time ago, and the girl you've been dating is my daughter by that woman." So the boy dumped her and found himself another girl. Again, he brought her home to the mother's delight, but the father again told him this girl was actually his half-sister. The boy lost his temper and told his mother what his father had said. Furious, the mother shouted, "Don't listen to him, sweetheart! He isn't even your father!"

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I love every bone in your body, especially mine!

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A husband said to his wife, "I will take a photo of your breasts and frame it ." The wife said to her husband, "I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it."

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More Funny Jokes About Relationships:

The Car Won T Start Aid A Wife To Her Husband
A Couple Wants A Divorce But First They Must Decide
A Chinese Couple Had Just Married
A Husband Said To His Wife I Will Take A Photo Of Your Breasts And Frame It
A Wife Complains A Wall Clock Almost Killed My Mother-in-law Today
To My Dearest Wife
A Plane Crashes Flying Over The Pacific And Somehow Three People Survive
If You Cook Well We Can Avoid Our Cook And Save Rs 1000 Per Month
There Once Was An Old Couple Who Had Been Married For Thirty Years
While Her Husband Was Lying Down His Wife Removed His Glasses
Honey Said This Husband To His Wife I Invited A Friend Home For Supper
A Married Couple Was In A Terrible Accident
A Couple Trying To Break Into Society Hosted A Dinner Party
A Young Man Truly In Love With His Girlfriend Decided To Have Her Name Tattooed On His Penis
A Man And A Woman Were Driving Down The Road Arguing About His Deplorable Fidelity Practices
Minnie Tells Mickey She Wants A Divorce
Three Couples Went To A Restaurant
Two Men Named Cecil And Scott Live Together
A Newlywed Couple On Their Honeymoon Gets To The Hotel Room
What Do You Do If Your Girlfriend Starts Smoking
An Architect An Artist And An Engineer Were Discussing
A Man And His Wife Are Lying In Bed One Morning When Suddenly The Phone Rings
Friendship Is Like Peeing On Yourself
Sarah Was Reading A Newspaper While Her Husband Was Engrossed In Amagazine
Did You Hear About The Guy Who Found Out The Secret To Making Women Happy
A Man Settles Down On A Sunday To Read His Paper
If You Could Cook Said The Husband We Could Fire The Chef
I Love Every Bone In Your Body
The Perfect Husband
A Couple Had Been Debating Over Buying A New Car For Weeks Now
A Woman Whose Husband Often Came Home Drunk Decided To Cure Him Of The Habit
A Man And His Wife Are Lying In Bed One Morning When Suddenly The Phone Rings
Why Would A Girl That Claims To Love You Send U
An Old Man And Woman Were Married For Years Even Though They Hated Each Other
A Man Approaches A Beautiful Woman In A Supermarket
A Husband And Wife Out Enjoying A Round Of Golf Were About To Tee Off On The Third Hole Which Was Lined With Beautiful Homes
A Couple Was Getting Ready To Go To A Halloween Party But The Wife Had A Terrible Headache
Jack And Jill Went Up The Hill To Smoke Some Marijuana
A Woman Asks Her Husband If She Is Fat
Oh John Do You Remember The Last Time We Were Up Here Was 25 Years Ago And We Made Love For The Very First Time Near An Old Disused Barn
The Female Always Make The Rules
A Guy’s Been Dating The Girl Of His Dreams For Several Months
What Do You Do When Your Wife Comes Into The Lounge And Start Nagging You
Two College Roommates Are About To Go To Bed
A Wife Comes Home From Playing Golf With Her Friends
A Construction Worker Came Home Just In Time To Find His Wife In Bed With Another Man
A Couple Who Had Been Married For Years Were Making Love
When The Bride And The Groom Are Getting Married The Bride Is Thinking
Husband And Wife Are Getting All Snugly In Bed
A Man And His Girlfriend Were Enjoying A Ride Late One Stormy Night In The Country