Various Jokes: Funny Various Jokes

The day care bus driver drives with a bus full of Sun City seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up. 15 minutes later she taps him on his shoulder again and hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about 8 times. After the 9th time he asks the lady why they do not eat the almonds themselves. She replied that it is not possible because of their old teeth. They can not chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks, puzzled. Where upon the lady answers, "We just love to lick the chocolate around them".

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When I was young, I had no sense, Stuck my dick in an electric fence. It curled my hairs, it tickled my balls, It made me crap my overalls.

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A young priest was visting a convent. One day he was taking shower, when he realized that he didn't have any soap. He wrapped a towel around himself and ran to his room, hoping no one saw him. He got to his room, grabbed the soap and was running back to his shower. On his way, his towel came off, but he heard two nuns coming down the hallway. He was forced to leave the towel, and stand like a statue. When the nuns came to him, one said, "Look! A new soap dispenser!" Another said, "How you get the soap?" So one pulled on his dick, and a bar of soap fell from his hand. "Look! I got a bar of soap!" said the nun. The second nun pulled on his dick. "Look! I got liquid soap!"

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A frat boy gets into the back of a cab, and asks the cabbie, "Do you have enough room up there for a pizza and a six pack of beer?" The cabbie says, "Sure." So the frat boy leans forward and throws-up.

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How do you make five pounds of fat look sexy? Stick a nipple on it.

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Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!" Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"

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We are all human beans

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Ever wonder why the IRS calls it, "Form 1040?" Because for every $50 you earn, you get 10 and they get 40.

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What do you call a chicken that crosses the road rolls in dirt and comes back? A dirty double crosser

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A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor: "Can I help you?" "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines!"

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A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but was not getting many. Then, he discovered the problem; a 10 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read, "SPEED TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign painted "TIPS" and a bucket of change.

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Definition of eternity? Four blondes in four cars at a four-way stop.

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A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate. Interviewer: "How did you get that pegleg?" Pirate: "Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war." Interviewer: "How did you get that hook?" Pirate: "I got me hand cut off by a big knife." Interviewer: "What about your eyepatch?" Pirate: "It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye." Interviewer: "And that put your eye out?" Pirate: "No, it was the day after I got me hook."

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Why did the rooster cross the basketball court? It heard that the referee was blowing fouls.

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Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound. Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green. The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one. Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."

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This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves. The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!" The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"

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Did you know that someone from West Virginia invented toothpaste? If anyone else would have invented it, it would be called "teethpaste".

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Question: How did the bee hurt his back? Answer: He fell off his honey!

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What do eskimos get from sitting on a block of ice? Polaroids!

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Q: What do you call to Alaskan lesbians? A: Klon-dykes

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Did you hear about the man who drank 5 gallons of tea? He drowned in his teepee!

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More Funny Various Jokes:

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A Man Was Driving Down A Quiet Country Lane When Out Into The Road Strayed A Rooster
Three Boys Were Sitting On Some Steps Watching Cars Go By
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