Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk. Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk. Communism: You have two cows. You must take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income. Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt-equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred through an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The Enron annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
The top thirteen changes under a government run by pro wrestlers. 13. Driving your fellow Congressman into the turnbuckle now considered acceptable method of ending a filibuster. 12. President now shouts entire State of the Union address with his face 18 inches from TV camera. 11. IRS audit replaced by more efficient reverse body slam onto enema. 10. Government becomes a charade of meaningless noises and lots of posturing by a bunch of inarticulate losers with no class or manners-- Hey, wait a minute... 9. Free school lunches destined for the needy instead go to the biggest, meanest, stupidest kid in each school. 8. Sex scandals now involve even skankier women. 7. January 20: Inauguration ceremonies January 21: FDA approves over-the-counter sale of steroids. 6. Newt Gingrich is finally able to wear his mask and cape out of the house. 5. During House debate, it is acceptable to yield to the gentleman wielding a folding chair. 4. Difficult finding interns willing to accommodate an entire pouch of Skoal. 3. Strom Thurmond *finally* removed by The Undertaker. 2. Line to bodyslam Ken Starr winds around Lincoln Memorial. 1. Before: Mr. Vice President After: Stone Cold Cheney
My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes. I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long. "Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."
A blind man walked into a bank with his seeing-eye dog that guided him everywhere. He walked into the center of the bank floor, took the dog by the chain, and started swinging him around his head. Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared. The other customers were taken aback and some were very upset at the way the animal was being treated. One of the tellers ran up to the blind man and asked, "Sir, what are you doing!?!" The man turned toward the teller and said, "Oh, nothing - just looking around."
Did you hear the one about the cannibal, who passed his brother in the jungle the other day?